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User talk:AGirlCalledKeranique
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Experiments page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 21:05, April 16, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:09, April 16, 2016 (UTC) Story Copy Here is a copy of your story - http://pastebin.com/VTTUbwyQ As for why it was deleted, I'm guessing a significant factor was the commonly used experiment journal format. It takes a lot of effort to make one of these unique. Here are some things that might help - How to Write Creepypasta, writing advice, style guide. Using the writer's workshop, as you mentioned, is definitely a step in the right direction. Good luck. Jay Ten (talk) 12:43, April 17, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story There were a number of issues present in your story besides run-on/overly complex sentences ("They had found a small building caved (sic) into the side of the mountain, with it included five cells and several offices and testing sites inside of the building, along with three mangled bodies being able to be recognized as Dr. Jimeno Belmonte, Claudio Dominguez who was the director of the experiments and Dr. Abel Aiza, supposedly a nurse.", "A1 is getting increasingly worse; we brought in some food and she refused to eat, instead we decided to drag in a dead goat; she immediately attacked it and began eating it alive; the bones were picked and was gone by two hours.", etc.), redundancies ("The rest of the bodies were either too gruesome to be recognized, or the bodies were hidden.", " She has short brown hair and wears contacts; required to wear them", "We have found out that there are also cysts on them, and when they burst, they form horrible and grotesque holes inside their skin like trypophobia; they are weirdly shaped and they are close together, with blood pouring out whenever a cyst bursts.", etc.), wording issues ("There is (are) also two more females in Cells 4 and 5, D4 and E5.", "We also did a pysche (psych) check", "He has slightly long hair that is black, and is required to wear glasses (that seems like it's something forced on him rather than saying he needs/wears glasses)", "She does also have signs of lots of scars.", etc.), and spelling issues ("he never wanted to work there, and that he and she were going to reign. (sic)", I would suggest reading the story aloud to yourself to catch these issues and find other awkward wording. Story issues: "We have decided to ressurect him, however we are keeping him in isolation in case he turns into one of those fictional zombie things." This line feels out of place. Why would a scientist be bringing this up? Additionally there are a number of instances where the journal doesn't feel scientific: "Anyway, we have upped the doses on E5 from 10mg to 20mg of psychosis (sic) medicine."Why wouldn't he give the name of the medicine/serum? As he is testing a drug, he should be very specific about a subject's regimens and condition. Story issues cont.: A lot of events feel glossed over. Lines like: "Her long nails were able to reach my jacket, but I took it off, and one of the nurses got dragged in. She was found with a large chunk of her leg cut out.", "we heard large chomping and flesh being torn as the screams died down. We pulled him out, but he was brain dead by then.", "I can't do this any longer.. THE SUBJECT'S STATE.. IT'S CAUSING ME TO GO INSANE.. I CAN'T", "They entered and saw lots of mangled bodies." really result in an un-involving story due to their lack of description and detail. The story comes off as being passively told which really restricts the author's ability to properly explain the plot. Final story issues: Then there's the conclusion. "The village was a ghost-town, an accident occurred in 1953, all the residents of that town died due to a heavy fire surrounding the mountain. The caller was most likely a ghost." That line feels very out of place. Do government agencies just randomly attribute things to the paranormal? How exactly does that tie in to the rest of the story? If the fire happened in 1950, why is a ghost making telephone calls about events happening in 1993? It feels like a twist that is being tacked onto the story without any real explanation. There were other issues present in your story, but these were the most prevalent. I would strongly suggest taking you next story to the writer's workshop for feedback before uploading it as there are a lot of issues present here. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:39, April 17, 2016 (UTC)